THE WEEKLY EDIT:
Following: Olivia Noceda
Today we’re exploring sobriety so it feels right to highlight Olivia Noceda who makes the most wonderful non-alcoholic drink videos. She goes the extra mile, an effort which seems to add a lot of delight to mocktails. For example, in her Palo Santo refresher, she airs the glass with a lit Palo Santo stick. Can’t you just taste it?
Into: Micro-decluttering
Micro-decluttering is another way of saying small decluttering projects. And we’re talking short increments of time like 10-15 minutes dedicated to one specific area. Think drawers, the chair (you know, the one in the corner with a pile), the shoes by the backdoor, your makeup bag, etc. Tackling one small project can bring great satisfaction, delivers a sense of accomplishment, and helps life run smoother as clutter becomes more minimal.
Reading: A handful of great Substack articles
My mom came to visit last weekend so the girls slept down at the guest house with her and my husband was away on business, so it was just Jack and me alone on a quiet Sunday morning. It was wildly reminiscent of when I had my first, my husband traveled a lot then, too. Just her and me, gentle and slow. Quiet inside as Fairfax buzzed below.
I savored my alone time with Jack like my daughter does a bowl of ice cream - down to drinking the last drop - as it’s unlikely we will have many mornings like that again. Instead of sleeping while he did, I stayed awake to relish in our time as he slept beside me. And as he peacefully rested, the house still, I spent time catching up on Substacks. A choice that proved to be a wonderful reminder of how great this platform is as I got lost in people’s worlds, brains, perspectives, shares, and stories. Here are some that I particularly enjoyed:
The Cost of Change
Things I don’t post on Instagram anymore
10 Things I'd Do if I Was Decorating My Home Now
Wait, when did everyone get so good at interiors?
F*ck Resolutions
Ordererd: Kids Valentine’s Day Pajamas
Valentine’s Day pajamas for my little Valentines! I ordered these sweet little jammies for the girls - something festive that they’ll wear all year long.
ALRIGHT, LET’S GET INTO IT:
An Interview: Life at 6 Months Sober
In the spirit of dry January, when we swap out our extra dirty martinis for fizzy non-alcoholic beverages, something I’m committed to, I thought this week we would dive into the topic of sobriety. Sobriety is something I’ve personally explored. I was “sober curious” during the pandemic when I found my well running dry and was seeking new ways to replenish, so I gave up alcohol entirely for quite some time (I’ve since returned to casual drinking). But beyond dry Jan, I’ve noticed a larger sober movement both amongst Gen-Z and millennials. For some, it’s as simple as not drinking, and for others, it’s a 12-step program, something that also isn’t new to me.
When I was a little girl, my older sister and I often spent evenings and Sunday mornings doodling on notepads in the back of community gathering halls - libraries, churches, school gyms, what have you. When art got old, we’d pull out a deck of cards to play War or brightly colored threads to make friendship bracelets. And sometimes we’d just lay our heads down on our backpacks and nap on the floor until our single mom woke us up after attending her 12-step meeting. Meetings she desperately needed to go to, and when she didn’t, things would get bad.
Growing up around the 12-step program, I met all sorts of people. I watched it “work if you work it” for over-eaters, over-drinkers, and over-bingers time and time again, and what I learned was there’s no “face” or “type” in the program. There’s simply a commonality of addiction - alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, etc. Each individual has a story, every story is unique, and every story takes courage, including standing up in a room full of strangers, or in this case, my substack readership, to share it.
With that, I’m honored to share an interview that took place with one of my best friends.
Like the second A in AA, the name of this courageous woman shall remain anonymous, but anonymously, she and her story represent many women. She is bright, charismatic, funny, pretty, and a successful mom to three young children. She has a demanding career, a flourishing social life, and juggles her kids’ schedules with color-coded shared calendars. She does drop-off and pick-up, plays tennis, sweats it out in yoga, has date night with her husband, attends her kids’ baseball games, volunteers at school, and likes to let loose.
She is also six months sober. This is her story.
Q: Thank you for doing this and for sharing your story. I think a lot of women can relate to your journey as you never “hit rock bottom” so to speak but drinking and smoking weed were regular habits since when, college? You have a big job, 3 kids, and like many of us, enjoy having drinks with your friends. For starters, can you tell us a little about what your relationship was like to drinking/smoking/other drugs before you decided to give it up?
I had my first taste of alcohol around 3 years old. My parents used to throw parties and I have this memory of walking on the dinner table and drinking what the people left behind. My dad was an alcoholic and never admitted it. My parents used to fight over it.
I started drinking in college—about 20 years ago! I really never stopped except during pregnancy. But I always “had my shit together.” Grad school, bar exam, lawyering, tough jobs. I might show up to work hungover, but I got there and toughed it out.
Before deciding to stop, I was drinking almost every day. I loved beer, martinis, and fancy specialty cocktails at bars and restaurants. After work and before the bedtime routine, I’d usually get a glass of wine or beer from my kegerator (a special Mother’s Day gift I requested years ago).
I was relatively “responsible” on school nights but if there was a mom’s night out or girl's dinner, I had a tendency to overdo it. Free shots from the cute bartender? Sure! Another round? Of course. I had consecutive weekends where I ended up throwing up before bed. I had a hard time just going out for one drink. I also mixed smoking into it which always took it to the next level.
Weekends were when I turned it up. After a long week of work, making kids breakfast, lunches, appointments, and all the sports and activities and coordination, (the whole “mental load”) weekends were my time to “unwind” which to me meant drinking or smoking right out of the gate. It got to the point where my weekends, which I basically lived for, were hazy. I’d look forward to the special quality time with my family but ended up getting so wasted a lot of the time that I really wasn’t present and couldn’t remember a lot of it and was just escaping.
Q. Something for you, right before your 40th birthday changed. What motivated you to consider getting sober? And did the big 4-0 have anything to do with it?
Honestly, I told myself that I thought I might have a problem, I even said out loud a couple of times to my husband, “Maybe I’m an alcoholic.” Other moms at play dates weren’t going so hard on the rosé. I’d be done with my glass before they hardly got started.
It took a while to get there. For a very long time, I thought it was totally cool, and that my husband was over-exaggerating and being too critical when he described my behavior. I was in denial and justified my behavior big time. “I work super hard all week, I’m always “on” and I deserve to just relax and chill!”
But this was starting to rip me and my husband apart.
We met in college where he was a frat boy and I prided myself on going drink for drink with him and his buddies, even though I’m half his weight. He remembers our first date when I drank a pint of Guinness with 2 hands and he thought that was so cute. As the years went by, it got a lot less cute. He started thinking it was gross. He could have a drink and stop, and I didn’t have that control/desire to stop.
We both work full-time jobs outside the house and the fact that I spent our weekends as a family getting wasted was a turn-off for him. Every weekend led to fights between us. I kept telling him he was exaggerating and that I was just doing my thing, not hurting anyone, and that it wasn’t a big deal. Well, the fights went on, weekend after weekend, and I was so upset because weekends were my family time, and yet I spent so many weekends fighting with him and angry and defensive and then escaping it all by drinking or smoking more.
Turning 40 was a big awakening time for me. I decided to throw myself a big party. Live music, catering, the whole nine yards. If you’d told me I’d spend my 40th birthday bash sober just a year ago, I wouldn’t have believed it. But I did. And guess what? I was surrounded by people who love me and I was present, I took pictures; my eyes were wide open, I was clear-eyed, literally and figuratively. I had real conversations with good friends and remembered the whole night. I didn’t throw up at the end. And I woke up early the next morning to play tennis with my girlfriends. The same ones I used to play tennis with followed by bar outings (my idea) when I’d drink so much I felt like total shit the next morning.
I was tired of fighting with my husband every weekend and finally asked him point blank what I could do to make things better so we weren’t always yelling at each other. I asked for concrete examples and top of his list was for me to stop drinking and smoking. I said OK, I’ll do it.
I’d do anything at that point for “marital harmony“ and a peaceful family life. After the denial and justifications, I realized, he wasn’t wrong…I was drinking and smoking too much/too often/at times when I really shouldn’t and knew better.
He stopped drinking too in solidarity with me, “for us,” as he puts it.
Q. You not only gave up alcohol but started attending a 12-step program. Why did you decide to go to AA? And how did you figure out where to go for that first meeting and what was it like going? (where did you sit, how did it feel, what was it like getting in your car afterward)?
Honestly, my husband threatened divorce and even worse, started saying things that really embarrassed me in front of our kids. The only way I’d get him to shut up about it was to agree to go to a meeting. So he Googled it for me. There are meetings everywhere at all times. I found one close to home the following night and went, solo.
Getting there was such a crazy feeling. It was Day 2 of sobriety and I went to a little church near my house. I looked around and thought, wow, this is low. I was also still in denial, like “I don’t have a DUI, I’ve never gotten in trouble, I’m not a felon, what am I doing here? I don’t really belong.” I cried the entire meeting. The moment I walked in, an old timer walked up to me. He could tell I was brand new, lost, and scared. He introduced me to a woman there and she offered me a seat near her. People shared stories you wouldn’t believe. They were the most inspiring stories of people completely turning their lives around. I left the meeting feeling so much love from complete strangers who were rooting for me to succeed. People took chips for different milestones - I got a welcome chip and a hug from the person running the meeting. I was sobbing. People who took 30-day and 60-day chips amazed me. How could they do it? I met people with 50 years of sobriety. All walks of life. They all did it the same way - one day at a time.
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