The Gift of Questioning Friendships

THE WEEKLY EDIT:
Wearing: Dorsey Kate Rivière Necklace
I finally did it; I ordered the Dorsey Kate Rivière Necklace. The single-strand lab-grown white sapphire necklace, which every fashion girl seems to own, is beautiful and elevates everything in my closet. If you've been eyeing it too, I think you should pull the trigger - no regrets!

Following: Valeria
Who loves a good fashion plate? If so, hit the follow button on Valeria. She's a fashion consultant and stylist based in London with a great eye and a fresh point of view who has FUN with fashion. I’ve loved seeing her and her individual style pop into my feed.

Ordering: goop's Colorblur Glow Balm
I wear a buildable creamy flush of color on my cheeks every day and goop just launched a new balm which looks very promising. Available in five shades, you can apply the blush balms with your hands (my preferred method of choice). Plus it's formulated with skincare ingredients for extra perks like vitamin E to soothe and nourish, vitamin C–rich sea buckthorn oil for glow, etc. I ordered (using code glowtrio for 20% off the trio here) and will report back!

Embracing for fall: A pop of red 
Pops of red - shoes, clutches, sweaters, etc. - are popping up everywhere this fall, and I, for one, am embracing the vibrancy. A bold bright autumnal accent color feels like a nice welcomed change from what feels like seasons of bland palettes (which I love but still!). Plus, my daughter's soccer team is red, so the timing of this trend is pretty perfect.

Reading: Links circulating in my texts
I thought for this week's reading, I'd round up a few topical articles that have been circulating in my text chains:

• Social Media is dead via Business Insider
  I've been sent this link by a few influencer friends - a good read if this is your world.

• Have you noticed that everyone's teeth are a little too perfect? via Washington Post
  One of the Substacks I read regularly is Jessica DeFino's, and she shared this article - it's a fascinating read about veneers, the risks, and the arguably worse afters. I sent it to a group of friends who, the last time we all had lunch, were obsessively talking about veneers.

• The Internet Is Taking Sides in the Matter of Jonas vs. Turner—And, for Once, It’s Right via VOGUE

  I've never asked Siri to play 'The Jonas Brothers' or set my DVR (remember those?) to record 'Game of Thrones', so when Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner wed, it wasn't something I paid much attention to. Cut to four years later, they're now getting divorced, and it's sparking all sorts of conversations, one in which I feel invested: Mom shaming and mothering standards. The internet collectively smelled the rat of insidious woman-shaming and batted it away, and I am here for that! I circulated this to some mom friends.

• Can Parents and Childless People Be Friends? via The Cut

  My girlfriend, who never wants to have kids, sent this to me and it feels fitting to share for this newsletter specifically.

• Chanel’s Unexpected CEO Is Reinventing the Company via WSJ

  Leena Nair, Chanel's new CEO, was chief human officer at Unilever before assuming her new role. Proof that you don't always take a linear career path which was precisely why it was sent to me.

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ALRIGHT, LET’S GET INTO IT:
The Gift of Questioning Friendships

As a child, you're friends are based on convenience, and it's often set in stone for you. Family friends, kids on your block, kids in your class, and activities.

In your teens, friends become your world as you start separating yourself from your family unit and gain independence. Your time is filled with classes with friends, chatting about the cute boy in your math class, weekends at the mall, and going off to college to find additional friends.

In your 20s, your life is built around friendships. You live in big cities, sharing tiny apartments with lots of bodies. You go from work to happy hour to weekends with friends, and your circle is big. You're meeting people, having fun, and not thinking about it too deeply.

In your 30s and onward, shifts start to happen. Your time becomes more sacred as it's often shared with marriages, kids, and careers. Other priorities force you to question who you spend time with and which social activities light you up. You learn the value of a good friend and are quicker to drop toxic relationships or people who have hurt you. Your free time becomes consumed with obligations, family-friendly trips, keeping up at work, and trying to squeeze in a date night when possible. It's a time when friendships have a higher barometer for entrance and in my opinion, a gift often overlooked—the gift of questioning friendships.

A few years back, I sat in a car with a friend I'd known since preschool. One that knew all my secrets, I knew hers, and a friendship that rolled over from decade to decade on auto-pilot. But as she sat there gossiping - as she always had - it occurred to me: have I outgrown this friendship? Even though she had always been a good friend to me, did our time together still feel good?

I left the car ride, and the thought never transpired into change. I was busy with life. Our plans together remained. After all, she hadn't done anything to me.

A couple years later, I went to a wedding with a different group of friends - many of whom I'd been close to for decades. The same thing happened. I started to notice the differences - and not the good kind of differences that make relationships dynamic.

Though these long-lasting friendships were convenient in my teens or fun in my twenties, they felt different now that I was observing them. I felt different.

Ironically, my friends weren't acting differently; they were almost too similar to how we were in our youth when bar hopping was the main priority and self-evolution was a haircut or new nail color. But I had changed, evolved, and grown into someone who was no longer having fun around these friends.

Even though those friends weren't necessarily doing anything different than the past however many years, why wasn't I enjoying it anymore? Were these friendships surviving because I was on auto-pilot with them? Would I choose to get to know them today? Was spending time with them really how I wanted to use my internal PTO? Was it worth leaving my family and prioritizing over different friends? Was time spent together making me happy?

I came home from the wedding feeling similar to when I left my friend's car years prior, but this time, I had more clarity, and this time, I reassessed those friendships.

Unlike other friendships that were clearly toxic or expired, this situation was new to me. I still cared for these people - they had done nothing to make me feel otherwise -  but I realized it can be just that. You can still be friendly with people you've outgrown - you don't need to cut off ties if there's not something morally disagreeing with you. You don't need to be dramatic about it. You just need to be intentional.

Maybe they're your happy-hour-once-in-a-while friend, not the one you spend days at a time with on vacation. Maybe they're the ones you invite to your huge 40th birthday but don't spend intimate moments with. 

All of the above is allowed. But I'll leave you with a final passage from motivational speaker Jim Rohn, which I tend to agree with: You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

A good book for further reading on this topic: How to Break Up with Your Friends: Finding Meaning, Connection, and Boundaries in Modern Friendships by Erin Falconer

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MAKE THIS WEEK:
The Cold Brew Coffee Smoothie (breakfast)
Roasted Tomato Soup (lunch)
A Cozy Kitchen’s Harvest Fall Salad (lunch)
Zucchini Parmesan (dinner)
Mediterranean Roasted White Fish (dinner)